Oh, Doctor!
Let’s be honest: Not many of us are skipping down to the doctor’s office for a few laughs. Yet, somehow, these bizarre and laugh-out-loud moments from real patients prove that sometimes, the waiting room is the best comedy club in town. Curated from Reader’s Digest by Andy Simmons, this collection showcases medical follies that could make even your most awkward checkups feel like a stroll through a hilariously bizarre park.
Potty Humor
After receiving a urine sample cup from a nurse, one patient triumphantly returned, declaring, “Thanks, but there was a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!” Who knew bathroom logic could be so, well, elementary? —Travis Stork, MD, Nashville, Tennessee
And while you’re chuckling, consider these tips for proper conduct in a doctor’s office.
School Spirit
As my father lay in his hospital bed surrounded by family, he was faced with the eternal question: “Do you want us to resuscitate you if your heart fails?” In a moment of levity, he replied with a smirk, “Only if Ohio State is on TV. Otherwise, just let me go.” – Rick Eichhorn, Centerville, Ohio. Could it be that loyalty to one’s school trumps all medical lifelines?
Overheard in the Office
During an eye exam, an older lady leaned in and sweetly told me, “You remind me of my third husband.”
Curiosity piqued, I asked, “Third husband? How many have you had?” She grinned, “Two.” —Leon Pendracky, OD, Avella, Pennsylvania. A classic case of arithmetic gone wrong.
Famous Last Words
As a school nurse, I encountered a student who claimed he was vomiting. After assessing him, I called the father, only to hear him say, “Relax, he doesn’t have a stomach virus; my wife just can’t cook.” —Diane Nickoloff, Orangeburg, New York. When culinary skills become the scapegoat for illness, we’ve reached a new low.
Ignorance is Bliss
A patient gleefully announced, “The ear medicine worked!”
“That’s fantastic! What’s the bad news?” I asked.
“It tasted awful!” Naturally, I withheld a chuckle, considering they were called ear drops for a reason. —Murray Grossan, MD, Los Angeles.
A Lesson in Semantics
When my friend’s father filled out his pharmacy info form, he identified as bisexual. “You’re not bisexual,” his wife chimed in, baffled. “Last time I checked, you preferred me.”
His reply? “I thought it meant I believe in two-person relationships!” —Michelle Anderson, Chubbuck, Idaho. Navigating relationships is hard enough; vocabulary shouldn’t complicate matters.
