STATEWIDE, N.D. (NewsDakota.com) – In a stunning blow to the world of mediocre healthcare, Jamestown has decided to throw caution (and $300 million) to the wind with the grand announcement of a brand-new state hospital. After a thrilling budget approval by Governor Armstrong this Monday—because who doesn’t love approving budgets in times of scarcity?—the small town is gearing up for a 140-bed facility, designed to “cure” all its outdated buildings and mental health service issues. The completion date is set for a mere two years, with a grand opening planned for the hopeful, long-distant year of 2028.
Where will this shining beacon of hope (or extravagant expense) be located, you ask? Right next to the James River Correctional Facility, of course! But don’t worry; planners have kindly decided to separate the two architectural masterpieces with a street and a decorative row of trees. Because nothing screams ‘healthcare’ like a view of some reclaimed prison yard, am I right?
According to our friends at the Health and Human Services department—who are presumably busy drawing up plans with crayons—project planning is already in full swing. The first three phases have been completed, which might sound impressive until you realize they included deciding on a parking lot design and whether the cafeteria will serve meatloaf or tacos. We’re on to Phase 4 now: the oh-so-thrilling construction documents phase. This involves meticulously detailed plans that guide contractors on building the facility. Spoiler alert: it includes a lot of legalese, diagrams, and a hefty dose of caffeine.
Now, this isn’t just a glorified data entry project; oh no, building a state-of-the-art hospital will catapult Jamestown’s healthcare capabilities into the stratosphere. Or at the very least, it will ensure that future generations will have a spiffy spot to wait for their primary care appointments while clutching a suspiciously limp brochure.
But fear not! The local community is eagerly anticipating the debut of more beds—because what’s better than a waiting room full of uncomfortable chairs? This hospital will be raking in the praise, and possibly the cash, as it siphons patrons away from those cantankerous old clinics where every wall has a story and a faint smell of antiseptic stubbornly clings in the air.
With this modern monolith rising from the ground, Jamestown residents may just rediscover the joys of healthcare. You could practically hear the cries for upgraded mental health services ringing in the air, echoing further than the boundless North Dakota plains. “Finally!” they will shout, “We can get our therapy and our Taco Tuesdays all in one place!”
In summary, Jamestown’s ambition to build the $300 million state hospital is quite the choice. Just think about it! In two years, there will be so many beds, you might mistakenly think they’re hosting a mattress sale. Until then, we’ll be watching the phases unfold—facepalms and all—wondering if they will finally serve meatloaf in the new cafeteria.
