11 February 2021, 13:31
Archie and Betty team up in Riverdale’s 5×05 trailer
Welcome back to Tonidale, where nostalgia meets seven years of questionable life choices. Buckle up as we recap the dramatic metamorphosis of your favorite characters in Season 5, Episode 4 (‘Purgatorio’).
Ah, the time jump – the moment every show dreads, and every fan secretly craves. Riverdale has cut the strings of high school life and catapulted its beloved characters into adulthood, or as we like to call it, “the big, bad world” of collegiate chaos and, you guessed it, identity crises. Spoiler alert: It’s not going smoothly.
Last night’s episode (February 10) was a joyous rollercoaster of cringe-worthy revelations. Riverdale? More like Tonidale! Yes, in a bold rebranding effort to reflect the political aspirations of our new herald, Toni Topaz, the town is flipping the script. Hopefully, it’s not just a cheap ploy to increase merchandise sales.
After years of playing the background character in a series overflowing with teen drama and angst, Toni Thee Topaz finally takes center stage. Guess what? Tonidale is teetering on the brink of destruction thanks to our resident villain, Hiram Lodge, who seems to have taken “let’s ruin a fine town” as his life’s ambition.
Toni, who now resides in the glitzy Tonidale alongside Fangs, Kevin, and Sweet Pea, teams up with our war-torn hero, Archie, who’s just returned from military service. I don’t know what’s more challenging—surviving a war or dealing with Hiram’s shenanigans? Spoiler: it’s both.
Spoilers Ahead for Riverdale Season 5, Episode 4! Obviously!
Let’s do a quick character check, shall we? Here’s what happened to everyone during their “sabbatical” from sanity and good decisions.
Archie Andrews
So, Archie spent his post-high school years serving in the Army, where he learned a little about handling weapons and a lot about dealing with trauma. After his return to Tonidale, he aims to save the town from Hiram’s evil clutches and promptly heads straight to Pop’s because obviously, combat hunger is a thing.
Toni Topaz
Here’s where it gets juicy. Toni graduated from Highsmith College, took up the role of high school counselor, and even revived the Serpents! Problem is, she’s also brimming with secrets, like her baby daddy. Nothing screams ‘mysterious queen’ more than refusing to reveal who got her pregnant.
Betty Cooper
Betty, now a wannabe FBI agent, has swapped her ponytail for a severe haircut to match the heavy emotional baggage. Living alone in a cozy little nightmare of a sad apartment, she’s in hot pursuit of “The Trash Bag Killer”—yes, that’s the villain name we were waiting for. Because nothing says riveting drama like a killer with questionable hygiene!
Veronica Lodge
Veronica, aka The She-Wolf of Wall Street, has metamorphosed into a real estate mogul—or something similar. Somehow, she managed to marry Chad Gekko (yes, that’s his name), who is as underwhelming as Hiram ever was. They even survived a helicopter crash, which I’m guessing counts as a date night sans the theatrics.
Cheryl Blossom
Queen Cheryl, bless her heart, opted for reclusive artistry instead of college and is busy turning her home into a horror movie set. She’s avoiding family curses and beefing with Hiram over the Maple groves. Let’s not forget Nana Rose is still around, promising decades of questionable side hustles.
Jughead Jones
Ah, Jughead, our tortured writer. Living in NYC, he seems to embody the stereotype of a starving artist but with a generous sprinkle of self-destruction. Between getting evicted, dealing with debt collectors, and yes, sporting a chest tattoo, let’s all shed a tear for his literary dreams slowly being crushed.
Kevin Keller
Kevin claims the trophy for most stable life post-high school, working as a drama teacher and dating Fangs. Did he say ‘drama?’ Because honey, this show is dripping with it!
Fangs Fogarty
Fangs has successfully transitioned from high school chaos to serious adulting, helping revive the Serpents like some sort of theatrical phoenix. Kudos, buddy!
Sweet Pea
Sweet Pea decided to hold the fort while everyone else dabbled in adulthood, definitely the unsung hero of Tonidale’s return.
Reggie Mantle
In a plot twist we all saw coming, Reggie is now Hiram’s right-hand man. How the mighty have fallen, am I right?
Hiram Lodge
The villain we love to hate (just a little), Hiram remains buff and utterly villainous, running Tonidale into the ground while enjoying his sauna sessions. Classic.
Hermione Lodge
Don’t worry, Hermione isn’t gone for good. She’s thriving in New York and doesn’t appear to miss Hiram at all—who can blame her?
Alice Smith
Alice’s transformation remains a mystery—although she’s sporting longer hair. From small-town drama to enigmatic hair goals, maybe she’s just become the poster child for midlife crises?
So, as we close the chapter on this dramatic episode, don’t fret; Riverdale, I mean Tonidale, is back and crazier than ever. Stay tuned for the next round of absurdity because, let’s face it, we wouldn’t want it any other way!
