Neither Melania nor the Clydesdales are known for their conversational prowess, but you won’t want to miss “Melania Trump’s Big Holiday Reveal.” Spoiler alert: It offers the same amount of excitement as “Infrastructure Week.”
Melania is positively beaming about 19-year-old Barron being back at home! One wonders if he’s buried in books or crypto, rummaging through digital piggy banks with his brothers. Forbes reportedly values him at $150 million—quite a pocket change for a family where the currency of choice may well be Monopoly money.
Julia Demaree Nikhinson/Associated Press
And then there’s Donald Jr., our family’s latest business phenom! Apparently, the Trump Organization has been printing cash since the last inauguration—imagine that! Rumor has it he’s diving into a new venture with Steve Witkoff’s son, Zach. They’re allegedly attempting to transition the Trump family’s real estate empire onto the blockchain—whatever that involves. It sounds like a team-up between Bernie Madoff and Colonel Sanders; I’m all in for that chicken!
Meanwhile, Eric is the often-overlooked gem of the clan, although I assure you he’s receiving recognition—maybe even in the form of a participation trophy!
What about Ivanka? She’s managing her three children in the “Billionaire Bunker” of Indian Creek, Florida, right next to Tom Brady! Lucky for her, her husband Jared Kushner is back outside the gilded gates, presumably saving the world or negotiating the next big yacht deal. He’s working on stabilizing Ukraine—at least in his mind. Good things always happen when Jared is involved, especially for Jared.
Speaking of low profiles, Tiffany’s spouse, Michael Boulos, has turned into a ghost after reports of overcharging Jared emerged. Meanwhile, Tiffany’s sharing “adorable photos of baby son Alexander” as if that’s going to shift the narrative. Smart move! She’s definitely learned how to play the optics game from the best in the business.
It seems like the Trumps are endlessly successful, leaving one to muse about watching paint dry! In the realm of family activities, you might enjoy an hour-long video of me playing golf with granddaughter Kai at the National Golf Club—a name you might recognize! Sample our riveting conversation:
Me: Let’s get a birdie!
Kai: Yes, let’s!
She’s barely old enough to drive and already playing in professional tournaments, finishing in last place—but hey, at least she learned a life lesson: owning the course is half the battle. It’s how we roll!
As for me, I’m a busy bee solving global conflicts, swinging some clubs, and ensuring the White House sparkles with class. Did I mention we upgraded fixtures and carted in half a quarry’s worth of marble for the Lincoln bathroom? I think even Abe would give that a nod of approval!
We had dreams of a Caribbean cruise for Christmas, but with trigger-happy commentators roaming around, we’ll stick to dry land instead.
Merry Christmas and happy holidays! Everything else is just woke nonsense!
P.S. Don’t forget to scan the QR code below to help fund the Mega-Don Ballroom! I promise the first dance is on me… or perhaps a much-deserved pardon! You can also invest in our meme coins, $TRUMP and $MELANIA. They’ve seen a slight dip—86% and 99% respectively—but who’s counting? Blame it all on that pesky Joe Biden!
Thank you for your attention!
Alex Beam’s column appears regularly in the Globe. Follow him @imalexbeamyrnot.
