Nov. 11, 1:32 pm UTC • 8 min
News flash: Elon Musk is not receiving a trillion-dollar paycheck from Tesla. And no, it’s not an elaborate prank—though it wouldn’t be out of character for him. Sure, you might have encountered headlines gleefully proclaiming that his latest pay deal could potentially be worth a mind-boggling number, but let’s not get carried away. This sensational figure is hanging on by a thread of plausibility, and it’s high time we took off our rose-tinted glasses.
Let’s dissect the situation. Musk, the self-styled CEO of Tesla (not the founder, but let’s not quibble about details), has been awarded a pay structure that’s about as sensible as a chocolate teapot. Forget about a paycheck—this man is effectively gambling with stock options that only yield results if certain hyperbolic targets are met. Think of it as a lottery ticket, but one that requires you to predict not just the winning numbers but how the entire universe will unfold.
In sports, we have incentive contracts—athletes reaching milestones like rushing for 1,000 yards, which is doable. But Musk? To stroll anywhere near that trillion-dollar figure, he would have to clear hurdles that make the Olympic marathon look like a friendly jog—targets which are not only outrageous but also reflect Musk’s unique penchant for, shall we say, melodrama.
Take a minute to consider Musk’s track record. Time and again, he has approached grand visions with the finesse of a bull in a china shop. Whether it’s the Hyperloop, autonomous taxis, or that charmingly ambitious suggestion of a “robot army,” expectations have soared only to plummet spectacularly like a failed SpaceX launch. Let’s not forget the botched promises—such as those hilariously ambitious timelines for fully autonomous Teslas, which seem to slip further into the future with every passing year.
Now, regarding these lofty targets in his pay deal: they require transforming Tesla into a company that would make the gods of Olympus jealous. He’s not just expected to turn electric vehicles mainstream—no, he’s tasked with creating a million robo-taxis, selling 10 million software subscriptions, and increasing Tesla’s market value more than sixfold. Think about that: Musk’s grand plans would have to eclipse even the most ambitious sci-fi blockbuster ever made.
What’s more, he’s asked to build an army of 1 million robots, an objective so absurd, it could only come from the mind of someone who believes they can single-handedly rewrite the laws of economics. And don’t get me started on his prototype android, the Optimus. I dare say it’s more effective at dance-offs than actual tasks—quite like some of his strategic endeavors.
The ultimate irony? While Musk’s pay matters could send any reasonable investor running for the hills, many shareholders still cling to the hope that Musk’s dazzling storytelling will keep their investments afloat. Imagine investing in a company that’s essentially hosted by a magician: you know there’s smoke and mirrors, but you just can’t help but applaud the spectacle. So here we are, watching Tesla’s saga unfold—complete with riotous highs, embarrassing lows, and a CEO who might as well be wielding a wand instead of a business plan. And we’re all here for the ride, hoping it doesn’t end up like a vintage clown car.
