In the latest episode of “Trump Talks,” our favorite former president took to the airwaves to unveil his extraordinary talent for war-ending — a skill he assures us is quite unique. Brace yourselves, folks: he’s claimed to have ended eight wars since the dawn of his second term. Who knew peace was just a phone call away?
During a press conference that some would call enlightening but the rest of us would dub as “What is even happening?” Trump regaled the audience with tales of his “productive” chit-chat with none other than Vladimir Putin. Yes, because nothing says “let’s end a war together” like a casual phone call from the very leader involved in it. Next stop: Budapest, where they’ll wield their negotiating skills like a pair of armchair generals.
As if things couldn’t get any juicier, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy is swinging by the White House, presumably to discuss more than just the weather. He’s eyeing those long-range weapons like a child sneaks a cookie from the jar—deep inside enemy territory. Let’s just say, Ukraine’s idea of “peace talk” looks a bit different than ours.
“I’ve made deals my whole life!” Trump exclaimed, insisting that he’s basically the Picasso of negotiations. Truly, no other president has managed to finish a war—unless you count the long line of predecessors who’ve done just that. But why let facts get in the way of a good story?
Like a magician pulling a rabbit from a hat, Trump nonchalantly declared, “I’ve ended eight, and number nine is on the way.” Yes, because the conflict between Russia and Ukraine is as easy to untangle as your earbuds after a long stay in your pocket. Memorable quote of the day: “Did Bush ever end…? Do you think Biden ended a war? Nope!” Trump criticized, adding that he “has no idea” of anyone who successfully terminated a war. Maybe they didn’t call him?
Meanwhile, Twitter erupted as social media users reminded us of historical figures like Woodrow Wilson and Harry Truman, who apparently slipped through the cracks of Trump’s memory. “We’re all living in a giant mental hospital,” one user jested, establishing himself as the voice of reason amid the chaos.
Even comedian Jimmy Kimmel couldn’t resist chiming in: “No president, nobody, has ever ended a war other than him. They all just mysteriously fizzled out, like those half-hearted New Year’s resolutions.” In the spirit of adding his own twist, one clever observer chimed in with, “Yeah, well, since we’re just saying things now, I ended nine!”
And who could forget the burning question on everyone’s mind, posed hilariously by liberal influencer JoJoFromJerz: “How long before he claims he invented gravity?” As if he hasn’t already laid claim to other intangibles like clean air and freshly shined shoes. One shudders to think where the next press conference will lead us—but one thing is for sure, it won’t be boring.
