Picture this: a farting contest in a bathroom. My cousin unleashes one of those squeaky ones that beckons a laugh. As I throw back my head in laughter, I make an unplanned introduction with the countertop—127 mph worth of stupidity. ER visit for stitches? Check. Bonus: the nurse laughs and farted when I told her the story. Lesson learned? Farts are timeless, even at 30—they still make me giggle at my Thanksgiving catastrophe from two decades ago.
One year, a family friend thought carrying twenty plates was a feather-brain idea. Spoiler alert: splat! Gramps, a man of few words but infinite wit, quipped, “You know those lesbians. Slippery fingers.” Cue laughter and groans around the table while wondering how “that” became a staple of our Thanksgiving lore.
Last year, my family decided to uproot dinner plans, which meant chaos without reservations. My grandmother, a tiny titan at 90, quickly became the star of a different kind of ER story. After consuming her body weight in martinis, she decided to embrace the holiday spirit a little too hard, resulting in a BAC that nearly sent her to a medical drama. “Don’t worry, Grandma,” I reassured her from afar. “You haven’t ruined Thanksgiving. You just redefined it!”
In a family full of sophistication, my adopted brother examined my newborn son’s diaper during dinner. “Something’s off,” he declared after a whiff. Tasting it was his next disaster-level decision; it turned out to be pumpkin pie filling! A family Christmas classic now embraced its new Thanksgiving title—”the great taste test of Turkey Day.”
Amidst the usual familial shenanigans, I spotted Uncle making his snarky remarks about my perpetually late brother. My patience wore thin, leading me to pull a slightly aggressive Chat Noir moment right in the kitchen, setting ghost stories aside. It’s safe to say that Thanksgiving dinner took an unexpected pivot, and our holiday traditions altered course—goodbye to dinners with Uncle and hello to awkward silence!
As a young whippersnapper, I took the honor of saying the prayer—a risky gig in a family known for brawls. I cheerily wrapped it up with, “God, keep it normal today”, and BAM! A swift slap from my German grandmother reset my immediate understanding of holiday etiquette. One explosive exit followed; consider this a family tradition starter pack.
