VATICAN CITY (CNS) – In a bold move that has left many scratching their heads, Pope Leo XIV has declared that the Catholic Church’s “missionary outreach is most desperately needed” in places where Christians are “mocked, opposed, despised, or, you know, just tolerated like that weird uncle at family gatherings.” Addressing a room full of cardinals who look like they just found out their favorite Vatican wine is discontinued, the new pope outlined this monumental task during his inaugural Mass in the Sistine Chapel on May 9.
Let’s face it: the world today views Christianity with the same enthusiasm as a triple-checked dentist appointment. Pope Leo, channeling his inner inspirational speaker, pointed out how many see faith as “absurd” and far better left to those “weak in spirit” or simply confused after too many Netflix documentaries. “Let’s trade the cross for some solid investments in technology, money, and self-indulgence,” he quipped — although he may not have quipped. It was hard to tell; the Sistine Chapel was heavy with tradition and possibly incense.
Here we have the first U.S. citizen, Peruvian, Augustinian friar, and probably the first Chicago White Sox fan gracing the papal throne — all the makings of a fantastic sitcom. Ditching the customary red shoes for black ones and wielding Pope Benedict XIV’s ferula like he just found it in the clearance section at a thrift store adds another layer of intrigue to this papal debut.
After two women read the scriptures in English and Spanish — a clever nod to our new pope’s roots and possibly a marketing strategy to reach the millennial audience — he greeted the cardinals in English. “You may now Snapchat this!” he might have said — or not. Who needs the Pope when you have TikTok stars, right?
As the Mass unfolded, Leo passionately stated that he was called to be a “faithful administrator” of the church, presumably while figuring out how to keep the lights on. He reassured the gathering that this can’t be achieved through fancy churches resembling five-star hotels but through the “holiness of her members.” Let’s hope those members are taking notes on Pinterest, especially when it comes to DIY altar decorations!
Pope Leo then took a stroll down memory lane, pondering Jesus God’s query to Peter: “Who do people say the Son of Man is?” He offered two possibilities: The world’s perception, which views Jesus as “irksome,” and the optimism of the common folks, who appreciate the miracles but find him posthumously overrated. Spoiler alert: both views are utterly absurd.
To wrap up this theatrical performance, he noted how a crisis of faith leads many, baptized or not, to lead lives resembling that of practical atheists — which I assume is a fancy way of saying, “nice suit, no soul.” And thus, Pope Leo ended his direct address to himself, cementing the notion that he, too, has a job to do. But hey, at least he has excellent shoes to carry that cross!
