“Honest to God, it was the worst day of my television life,”David Letterman told Ellen DeGeneres back in 2019, as relayed by the ever-reliable Last Night On. “And maybe the worst day of my life.”
What on earth could’ve gone so horribly wrong? A Top Ten list that only went to seven? Larry “Bud” Melman meeting his untimely demise via D train? Perhaps an intern revealing the scandalous details of a Letterman affair on live television? None of these seemed to compare to the actual horror of the day.
In a shocking twist, Letterman was engaged in a little frivolity with his producer, Mary, both clad in baseball mitts—because clearly, there’s nothing more responsible than playing catch in a high-rise office. “Mary can bring it, there’s no question about that,” he reminisced, “and we were chasing that perfect thwack of a baseball hitting the pocket.”
Don’t Miss
On one fateful throw, amid their playful shenanigans, “one got away from me,” confessed Letterman, to the collective horror of humanity. “It sailed up and over, straight through the 14th-floor window of the iconic 30 Rock building. And lo and behold, below was Sixth Avenue—our very own pedestrian target practice.”
His immediate reaction? Pure comedy gold: “Well, you know,” he said. “How many are dead?” Not that he was joking, of course. A baseball plummeting from 14 stories could do more than just ruin someone’s day; it could put an unfortunate hole in a skull. And let us not forget about the enthusiastic precipitation of razor-sharp glass shards.
Fast forward to 2019, and Letterman looked positively pale as he recounted the gripping tale. “I’m stunned,” he recapped, “and I sneak over to the window, oh-so-casually, zero stealth mode engaged, and peered down. Oddly enough, there wasn’t any chaos.”
However, Mary chimed in, now part of Ellen’s entourage: “Well,” she corrected, “people were looking up.” Because, of course, who wouldn’t glance skyward when glass shrapnel rains down like confetti?
As shards descended upon the Avenue of the Americas, there was, of course, a curious spectator who pointed skyward and exclaimed, “Hey, look, there’s Dave Letterman!” A true blessing in disguise, as that sealed Letterman’s fate: “Great, I’m destined for a life behind bars.”
In his defense, thank the universe nobody got hurt because, let’s face it, that would have made for a pretty grim episode on his talk show. “It’s a miracle no one was maimed,” DeGeneres remarked, recalling her own golf-ball-launching escapade from a Manhattan rooftop which, surprisingly, didn’t end in calamity either. “That also could have gone horribly wrong,” she mused.
Letterman reassured her, “Different situation, dear. That would have been *your* fault.” Exactly! Because the key to disaster avoidance is to ensure you have someone else to pin the blame on. When asked what she’d do if faced with a similar dilemma, DeGeneres hesitated, “Uh, back up slowly?” Really breaking new ground in damage control, Ellen.
“No, no, no,” Letterman replied with the wisdom of someone who has dodged a bullet. “You send an intern down there.” Because why risk your own skin when you can delegate your way out of disaster? Classic Letterman; the true essence of modern leadership.
