In an astonishing display of bureaucratic genius, California has unveiled a new policy that sends shivers down the spines of oil and gas executives. Lucky for us, they’re not too shy to share their woes!
According to industry insiders, this isn’t just going to hit the big boys in the boardroom; everyday Californians are slated to join the misery parade. After all, who doesn’t enjoy a little spontaneous financial suffering at the gas pump?
Credit: Getty
Credit: Getty
According to the California Air Resources Board (CARB), this new Cap-and-Invest Program aims to slap polluters with hefty fines and gradually reduce emissions—like eating kale detox smoothies while riding a unicycle. Sounds ambitious, right?
The plan involves stripping certain offsets and allowances, making the ultimate goal of squeezing monetary blood from these ‘polluters’ clearer than your average TikTok video. Industry giants are shaking in their boots—or should I say, polished loafers—as Chevron’s reps have warned lawmakers they’ll be sipping overpriced lattes instead of engaging in competitive pricing.
“We’re basically being set up for failure. Imported products will be cheaper and more available than that artisanal California crude,” lamented Chevron spokesperson Ross Allen. Ah, the taste of sweet irony as it seems local oil production might just have to launch a GoFundMe.
The drama thickens as Allen insists that making stationary sources like refineries purchase permits to operate will not only drive up operational costs but could also result in the closure of California’s existing refineries. Perhaps they’ll come back as artisanal artists, crafting overpriced sculptures from oil barrels?
With a public comment period currently in session—because what’s governance without a good old-fashioned feedback session?—these changes are touted to hit just in time for your next trip to the gas station. Newsom’s strategy appears less about environmental wellness and more about turning gas prices into “that price is a bit too high for my liking” territory.
Overall, while some lawmakers are optimistic about balancing competitiveness with outside refineries, Californians should brace themselves for an uptick in gas prices that’ll make them nostalgically long for the ‘good old days’ when gas was merely painful to fill up.
