How Howell, NJ, Embraced Change (And Retail)
HOWELL, NJ — In a move that surely shocked at least three residents, the Township Council decided to sprinkle a little retail magic along Route 33. Yes, folks, it seems that our sleepy town is ready to wake up from its agricultural slumber to embrace the wonders of consumerism. Who needs crops when you can have a fine selection of rubber ducks and artisanal cheese?
The Great Zoning Renaissance
According to Matthew Howard, the illustrious director of Land Use and Planning (a title that sounds more like a medieval position than a government role), the council has been diligently updating the land use element of the Master Plan since May. “You know, just a minor overhaul to the zoning ordinances to allow for more retail development—nothing major,” Howard said, probably while daydreaming of the glorious discount furniture stores soon to grace our highways. And, oh joy, the new zoning map is available on Facebook, because that’s where zoning maps belong, right?
Highway Development 4: Because Why Not?
“The biggest change is along Route 33,” Howard mentioned, clearly not speaking in riddles. The township will now embrace the dazzling concept of the Highway Development 4 Zone. What does that entail? Well, think retail stores, a few warehouses, and whatever other edifices make our local economic hearts race. Welcome to the commercial cornucopia!
From Farm to Fabulous
The area in question stretches from Yellowbrook Road off Route 33, all the way to Freehold. A local geographic miracle! Until recently, we were treated to a landscape dominated by agricultural and industrial uses—with limited retail, obviously. Because nothing showcases progress quite like a new dollar store next to a cornfield.
A Conservative Approach to Consumerism
“The changes are a ‘common sense approach’ to adjust for future retail needs,” said Howard, who definitely wasn’t just trying to mask a capitalist invasion with responsible jargon. The newest zoning map is even available if you want to cross-reference it while you browse Pinterest for DIY projects to beautify your expanding commercial landscape.
Who Needs Grandma’s Farm?
In a past agenda, the ordinance stated that the Township Council wishes to rezone multiple parcels to Highway Development 4 (HD-4). Apparently, they’ve deemed it time to trade in those quaint family farms for a sleek, modern commercial zoning district. Who needs grandma’s apple pie, anyway, when you can have fast food at every corner?
The Future is Bright (and Retail-Filled)
So let us raise a glass to comradery in zoning, where agricultural nostalgia meets the glorious future of retail madness. Cheers to Howell, NJ, the new capital of ‘You Won’t Believe What’s Coming Next’ development! And who knows? Perhaps one day, we’ll all look back fondly, wishing we had invested in parking lots rather than farmland.
