House Democrats have recently unveiled their new blockbuster: a $3.5 trillion tax-and-spend extravaganza that makes even the longest novels look like short stories. At a staggering 2,465 pages—akin to two King James Bibles stacked on top of each other—it’s got something for everyone…and by everyone, I mean the government.
While most of us were busy figuring out how to fill our gas tanks without selling a kidney, this bill arrived, promising to do exactly the opposite of what the post-pandemic economy needs. Spoiler alert: it includes tax hikes that could give a workaholic the bends and a welfare state that would make even Santa Claus look like a miser.
Now, let’s pull up our sleeves and dig into a fountain of fun beyond the sheer length of this legislative magnum opus. Here are ten gems lurking in the fine print that are sure to tickle your funny bone—or make you weep for economic sanity.
1) $25 Million for “Anti-Discrimination and Bias Training” at HHS
Yes, you read that right. The Department of Health and Human Services, known for its critical role in social benefit programs, is getting $25 million to teach its employees how not to be the ‘bad guy’ in a badly scripted movie. Because if there’s anyone who needs to be taught about biases in a government organization, it’s them… apparently.
2) $200 Million for “Pelosi’s Park”
Ever wondered what $200 million could do? Well, it can turn the Presidio Trust—a lavish park in San Francisco, home to Speaker Nancy Pelosi—into an even more luxurious escape for folks with deep pockets. I mean, who needs infrastructure when we can fund parks in one of the richest cities in the country? Cheers to social equity!
3) Welfare for Journalists
As if they weren’t already cozy enough, journalists will get tax credits to cushion their fall—thanks to Section 138517. This means that failing news organizations can happily receive checks from Uncle Sam while producing content that the public apparently isn’t interested in paying for. Talk about a forced subscription model!
4) $1.25 Billion for Activists Against Landlords
Housing is a right, they say! So why not throw $1.25 billion at activists and bureaucrats to chastise landlords for wanting to evict squatters? The American Dream now includes fighting for a cozy couch to sleep on, all funded by the bewildered average taxpayer. Sounds fair, right?
5) $4.5 Billion for Federal Housing Plan Takeover
Why let local communities decide their housing policies when Uncle Sam can just swoop in with $4.5 billion for a federal takeover? Who needs personal choice when you can have a cookie-cutter approach to housing dreamed up by distant bureaucrats? It’s like letting a toddler plan your wedding—candy and balloons for everyone!
6) $26.5 Billion for Left-Wing Transportation Programs
While a bipartisan infrastructure bill is already in motion, the Democrats apparently thought, “Nah, let’s double dip!” Enter Sections 110002 through 110012, with a whopping $26.5 billion earmarked for “social justice” transportation initiatives. Because if there’s one area that really screams for a social justice makeover, it’s road construction.
7) Extra Funding for Bureaucrats, Ad Campaigns
What’s better than paying billions for new benefit programs? Throwing in an extra $13.3 billion for the federal bureaucrats who’ll roll them out and even more for ad campaigns to tell you about it! It’s like buying a gym membership and then paying someone to remind you to actually go.
8) $197 Million to Subsidize Hiring Local Teachers
The idea here is to “Grow Your Own” teachers, or as I like to call it: “Let’s Micromanage Education from D.C.” Because who wouldn’t want the federal government deciding the best teacher for your child? Teachers who live close by? How quaint!
9) $7.5 Billion “Community” Slush Fund
Section 40105 allocates $7.5 billion to “community restoration,” which really means “let’s throw money at vague ideas and hope something sticks.” With terms like “equitable civic infrastructure” and “capacity building,” I’m mostly hoping they have the capacity to figure out what that actually means.
10) Two Decades of Funding for Obscure Tech Accounts
Last but certainly not least: Sections 80010 and 80011 propose $2.35 billion for federal tech services, effectively guaranteeing 20 years of technology funding for a department that probably still uses dial-up at this point. Because what’s better than a 20-year plan that locks you into mediocrity?
These ten items are just the tip of a very expensive iceberg. So folks, as Congress ponders the largest tax-and-spend spree in history, let’s keep our wallets firmly shut and our laughter at the absurdity loudly ringing!
