Ah, the countdown to Halloween is upon us, and by countdown, I mean we have a grueling fifty-five days left, which is, let’s be honest, fifty-five days too many. This means weeks of enduring Jimmy Fallon marketing his holiday merch with all the sincerity of a used car salesman. Thanks, Jimmy, for turning The Tonight Show into your personal Home Shopping Network.
Like a relentless holiday peddler, Fallon kicked off this festive charade in mid-August, tweeting about “Jimmy Fallon’s Tonightmares,” a haunted house attraction meticulously orchestrated in the hidden depths of 30 Rock—courtesy of Lorne Michaels, of course. Just what we need—a “haunted” experience that’s more manufactured than fear itself.
Trick or Treat?
For an eye-watering 40 bucks a pop (yes, you heard that right, or maybe just reconsider your life choices), you can navigate a spooky maze featuring Fallon’s most horrendous nightmares: a menacing alien, a feral werewolf, and of course, the classic, everyday, knife-wielding maniacs. Because nothing says Halloween like an overpriced ticket to a faux fright fest!
For 40 bucks, you get a whole ten minutes to endure this corn maze of terror—a price that feels hefty when you realize it could be shorter than a Jimmy Fallon monologue. But why fork out the cash when a new monster makes its debut on his show almost nightly? Come on, Jimmy! We don’t need all the ghouls out in the first week of September. Save some of the nightmares for the big day!
The Twilight Zone of Late Night
One can’t help but wonder if there’s any thematic thread connecting haunted houses to The Tonight Show other than the gloriously awkward name, “Tonightmares.” How about a cameo from the ghost of Steve Allen? Or maybe Jay Leno could chase Conan O’Brien out of the studio wielding a chainsaw? The possibilities are endless.
For those who find $40 too steep for a ten-minute jaunt into mediocrity, fear not! Fallon is also selling slightly more affordable holiday merchandise, apparently after your wallet is lighter from the maze. While not promoting “Tonightmares,” he’s been enchanting us with bedtime stories from his new children’s book, 5 More Sleeps ‘Til Halloween—perfect reading for all the little ones who are, you know, fast asleep when his show airs.
Marketing Mayhem
Ah yes, here’s the kicker: “It’s available wherever fine children’s books are sold,” Fallon pitches—right in the middle of his late-night comedy show, not during a dull commercial break! “You can nab it on Amazon, hit up your local bookstore or library, or even pop over to Target or Barnes & Noble for the special editions. And don’t forget, I’ll be at the NBC Store for a book signing on Thursday!”
Pure marketing genius, or pure shamelessness? It’s hard to say. At least the holiday blitz will eventually subside at the end of next month—at which point we can all brace ourselves for the inevitable launch of the Jimmy Fallon-inspired marketing blitz for 5 More Sleeps ‘Til Kwanzaa! Who knew the season of giving was just about giving away your hard-earned cash?
