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SpaceX’s thunderous CEO, Elon Musk—because apparently rockets aren’t enough to keep him occupied—has taken to auditing the hilariously inefficient depths of Donald Trump’s Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE). Despite facing the Democrats’ vehement protests (naturally), he’s exposing jaw-dropping examples of government waste that read like a bad sitcom script. Here are some of the gems unearthed:
Musk Unveils the ‘Iron Mountain’ Mine Dilemma
This week, Musk casually dropped a bombshell: DOGE’s investigation revealed that a Pennsylvania limestone mine doubles as a retirement processing facility. Gather ’round for the tale of how federal employee retirements are processed manually with the finesse of stacking Jenga blocks.
“Imagine this: federal retirements are processed in an old limestone mine, with over 700 miners toiling 230 feet underground. Fun fact: they handle a staggering 10,000 applications each month, all stored in manila envelopes—like it’s 1995!” Musk exclaimed on X, as though he was revealing the plot twist of a thriller movie.
Why only 10,000 federal employees can retire each month? Well, it turns out the bottleneck is none other than the mine shaft elevator, which occasionally breaks down. Who knew bureaucratic hold-ups could be so… literal? “Doesn’t that sound crazy?” Musk mused, probably while rolling his eyes so hard they might take off.
DOGE Inspires EPA’s Waste Hunt, Finds $20 Billion
Meanwhile, the EPA, inspired by DOGE’s unmasking of wasteful spending, has reported a jaw-dropping $20 billion in tax dollars that apparently went on an unapproved vacation—without informing the taxpayers, of course. EPA Administrator Lee Zeldin must have recently watched ‘The Godfather’ because he dropped a quote about ‘tossing gold bars off the Titanic’ while discussing how the Biden administration may have been, well, less than prudent with taxpayer money.
According to Zeldin, just eight agencies were given free rein over vast sums like a kid in a candy store. “The ‘gold bars’ were tax dollars, and tossing them off the Titanic just meant they knew they were wasting it,” he quipped. If only every wasteful government program had a backstory as dramatic as a Scorsese film.
DHS Cashing Back After a Luxurious Faux Pas
In other shocking news, FEMA, the government’s very own disaster-relief superhero, was caught handing over a staggering $59 million to house illegal immigrants in luxury hotels in New York City. You heard that right! Luxurious five-star hotels, or as we like to call them, ‘the new American dream.’ Apparently, sending this money was against the rules and highly frowned upon by the current administration.
Just a day after this eye-popping revelation, the Department of Homeland Security confirmed it had ‘clawed back’ the funds. North Carolina might not get their help, but the hospitality industry in NYC is definitely feeling the love.
Pentagon’s Spending Has Gone Haywire
The Pentagon, sitting atop its massive $850 billion budget, is under scrutiny next, with accusations of wasting money on luxury items—you know, like reheatable coffee cups that cost $1,300 each. I guess we’re treating coffee time like it’s a Michelin-star dining experience. Oh, and let’s not forget the astonishing 8,000% markup by Boeing on soap dispensers. Who knew hygiene could be so extravagant?
Even new Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth is on board with DOGE, stating, “We will partner with them.” Sounds good, Pete! Just make sure the coffee cups don’t put you in the poorhouse.
USAID’s Budget, a Comedy of Errors
Lastly, Sen. Joni Ernst recently highlighted some truly wild spending under the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID). Guess what they funded? A brand new ‘Sesame Street’ in Iraq for a whopping $20 million. Because when you think about economic growth in a war-torn country, the first thing that pops into your head is undoubtedly Big Bird.
From $900,000 to a ‘terror charity’ in Gaza to a $1.5 million program aimed at promoting diversity in Serbia, it seems government spending is truly an unpredictable rollercoaster—better grab a snack and strap yourself in!
Fox News Digital’s Morgan Phillips and Emma Colton contributed vital information on this epic saga of governmental silliness. It’s a tale of ineffable spending and head-scratching inefficiency, reminding us all that while the world keeps spinning, our tax dollars often seem to be taking a detour through Neverland.
